If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
You Might Also Like
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet