Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
You Might Also Like
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Become ungovernable.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.