Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
馃槀
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doing some research
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I鈥檓 not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Accurate
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
no one鈥檚 wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it鈥檚 watching her parents try to swat a fly
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014