Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Just as the prophecy foretold
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror