50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.