I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I don’t share cheese on the first date.