Only short people can save us
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.