[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
i really liked this one
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
good for her
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.