Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If only
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.