me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?