Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses