“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.