[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
🏙👨🏼
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean