HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.