coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?