Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no