Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I like crazy people until they notice me
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap