[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.