Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.