[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I falcon love using swear birds
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.