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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I know
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon