A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel