It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me