greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest