Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me if I was a dog
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.