Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Somebody call the cops.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not