Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face