I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
This is a whole mood;
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?