i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.