*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?