[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
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If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Okey dokey.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’