I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.