This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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I have a type: disappointing
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
everyone has that one prude friend
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.