My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
they split up moments later
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
set yourself free xox
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom