15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Optional boss fight.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?