Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*