People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.