Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well