me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume