I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.