I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
You Might Also Like
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.