I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
You Might Also Like
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”