Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You Might Also Like
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
2023 was just a warmup
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace