“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
You Might Also Like
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman