Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U