Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
So glad we cleared that up
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*offers Batman cough drops*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook