Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
#oldknees
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”