when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You Might Also Like
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep