Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.