One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
lmao
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.